This post is about poo (sorry if you’re eating!). Its not often as adults we talk about poo, although my 4 year old son finds it the most appealing topic of conversation particularly in the most formal situations. Like dying and taxes, having a poo is just one of those things we do. But did you know there is more than one way to poo, or more accurately there are many different types of poo and your type can tell you a lot about the health and wellbeing of your digestive system. For more on this visit the Food Hospital.
There’s even a measurement for poo! Known as the Bristol stool scale (for those who don’t live in or near Bristol this is an unfair label!) it documents the 7 (yes 7!) types of poo produced by human beings.
As you can see it covers the whole rogues gallery of human waste from bullet to oil slick! And yes you can even get it on a t-shirt!
Well I found this fascinating and began a quest to document not just my own poo but those of my LOs (easy enough as one is in nappies and the other one refuses to flush the toilet despite much nagging!) and I even broached the subject with the hubbie to be. Bottom line (excuse the pun) was that yes we were pretty much experiencing the middle of the bunch (with occasional bouts of harder poo) and seemed to have good working digestive systems. Not surprising given our recent change of lifestyle (see post of Food for thought). But could it be better?
As you will soon realise I like experiencing new things and as it happened, not long after our Bristol stool chart revelation, I came by chance across a colonic irrigation clinic not far from my work and thought what have I got to lose (well actually lots, I think that’s the point!) So I booked an appointment and nervously counted down the days until the big push so to speak (I’m sorry but this subject just gives itself to puns – I mean its poo and according to Goob and his friends that equals belly laughs and hours of fun!)
Before I go into the detail let me stop for the science bit – what is a colonic and what are the health claims?
According to Wikipedia (so therefore completely true):
Colon cleansing (also known as colon therapy) encompasses a number of alternative medical therapies intended to remove feces and nonspecific toxins from the colon and intestinal tract. Colon cleansing normally takes the form of colon hydrotherapy (also called a colonic or colonic irrigation).
Some forms of colon hydrotherapy use tubes to inject water, sometimes mixed with herbs or with other liquids, into the colon via the rectum (ouch) using special equipment (rather than a garden hose then I am guessing).
The experts (pro) say:
But the experts (ney) also say:
No scientific evidence supports the alleged benefits of colon cleansing[2] and it “has no known medical value and risks damage to the rectum or bowel.” The bowel itself is “not dirty” and, unless disease or medication interfere, “nature does a fine job of clearing out wastes.”[3] Certain enema preparations have been associated with heart attacks and electrolyte imbalances, and improperly prepared or used equipment can cause infection or damage to the bowel. Frequent colon cleansing can lead to dependence on enemas to defecate and some herbs may reduce the effectiveness of prescription drugs.[4]
Shit!
So the reviews are more mixed than a bag of jelly beans – well it was too late now, the day arrived and I packed myself off a little nervous, I won’t use the obvious pun, but yes literally!
I had spoken about all of this to my mum who informed me that with all four of her pregnancies she was ‘shaved from the waste, covered in iodine and given a colonic’ she didn’t say any of this with love, in fact she seemed to think this was the worst bit of giving birth, what was I doing?!
But as I say the day came and I filed in to find a bed, a chair, some tubes and a smiling nurse with a friendly hello and (hopefully) warm hands. The little room looked the part – clean and sterile but not cold, no smells (I don’t know why I thought it would be smelly) and as I would find out later the appropriate distance to the nearest toilet.
The appointment started with my nurse, Diane, taking medical details including height and weight, poo type (out came the chart) for which I was able to regale her in worrying detail, the reasons for attending and any questions. She reassured me that only a small part of the tube (about 1/2 an inch) would actually be inserted and generally tried to make me feel at ease.
Next I had to strip my bottoms (my good pants) off and lay on the bed on my left hand side, with my modesty covered by a warm towel, or was that me sweating?
Once on the bed Diane explained that she would now examine my bottom to check for any fissures (eh?), hemorrhoids and other unwanted things plus the responsiveness of my anus. What this meant really was she inserted a finger into my bottom, which no matter how deep a breath I took had me shooting forward as far away from her as I could in a second – yes it appears to be quite bloody responsive thank you!
Next she got out the tube and I began to feel quite queasy and light-headed (and that’s before anything actually happened). Once again she asked me to take a deep breath and relax and once again I held my breath and clenched my buttocks with all my might. And then it happened – it wasn’t painful and as she promised although immediately I tried to wriggle free I soon forgot it was there and she attached the tubes.
She explained there would be two tubes attached. One to feed the water in and one to drain the water and waste products out into an enclosed bucket. Attaching the tubes was fine and I began to relax.
Diane then turned on the water. It was warm and created a weird sensation in my tummy, like I had an internal hot water bottle. Not a completely unpleasant feeling but the thought of what was happening still made me a little light-headed so I was glad to by lying on my side. Soon I got into the ‘flow’ of it so to speak and began chatting to Diane about her training and background.
An ex-nurse, Diane has worked with people with all sorts of digestive problems and has seen the full gamut of ’embarrassing body’ type ailments including people vomiting whole poos – yuk! She seemed at peace with her life and at 57 could be the poster girl for colonics with smooth skin and glowing eyes that shouted health and wellbeing.
Time passed well and then I was warned the ‘flushing’ process would begin. In layman’s terms this meant Diane holding the drainage tube to enable the feeding tube to continue to fill my bowls to really, in her words, ‘break away the old matter and give it all a good old clean’. Tube squeezed and immediately I felt the pressure in my bowls. It felt like chronic diarrhoea and for a few moments I was speechless. I signalled with a little yelp when I had had enough (it wasn’t painful just uncomfortable – like that sickie feeling before you explode after a bout of food poisoning). She then let go and to my embarrassment I emptied my bowls down the tube in front of a complete stranger. It came rushing out and my natural reaction to try and hold it could not turn the tide. It was really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I was doing in front of a complete stranger what I have only done in the privacy of my own home (give or take interruptions from the LOs). The more I fought it the more it seemed to pour. And Diane’s reaction – ‘ah that was a good one!’ And I thought my daily poo check was weird!
A few more of these ‘flushes’, which did get more bearable, and the process was over – taking about an hour. The tube was removed and Diane explained what she had seen – most importantly that I don’t chew my food enough (something I had discovered myself and was addressing) because she saw identifiable food items that had been lodged in my bowls for who knows how long – no wonder I complained of constipation!
I dressed and she recommended I visit the toilet before I leave just in case. I just about made it to the toilet before once again the gates opened and I evacuated more warm, unchewed debris. Given said good pants, I waited a little longer before I decided it was safe to drive to work!
So what of the outcomes? Well I certainly felt lighter and cleaner for the rest of the day (could be psychological but I did) and I had lost 5lbs in one day (thank you – could Diane come on holiday with me?). I made a special effort to chew my food that day and interestingly when I did finally poo again (the next day) it was bang in the middle of the stool chart – a happy, healthy, and not quite sweet smelling but certainly not smelly, poo.
So there you have it. Would I have it again? – Yes probably, particularly if my digestive system became a little sluggish again or perhaps as a spring clean after Christmas. On reflection, whilst a little uncomfortable and embarrassing no more really than a smear test and certainly not painful. Diane made me feel welcome and relaxed and clearly loved helping people. My only warning is that if you do choose to have a colonic seek out a reputable nurse and clinic – your bowls are not to be messed with. Oh and definitely don’t wear your good pants!
Diane is a member of the Association and Register of Colon Hydrotherapists and more information about her and her clinic can be found at Colonic Therapy . Check out the ARCH website for details of clinics in your area. The treatment cost £65 and the whole appointment lasted about 90 mins.
Namaste
a peace of my life 